Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Half of a whole

Puff has been having the time of his life down in Lakeview, Oregon. If you check out his blog you know that by "time of his life" I mean it is a time in his life. Not a particularly exciting one either. It's interesting to me how much it reminds me of the year I spent living in Renton, Washington in 1999-2000. I had no friends, lived by myself in a studio apartment, barely had money to eat, and was very lovesick the entire time. I just wanted a girlfriend sooo bad. I was very jealous of people that had relationships (especially Puff). It seemed so natural for them to be together and share fun and kiss and be happy. I felt like I was being denied some magical divine fruit while people around me indulged themselves. I was always hiding a burning jealousy of other people. In a period of months everything changed for me. I am now engaged to Jenn, and I am rarely jealous of anyone. I have a contentment that everything will be ok. It's very strange for me to be opposite a parallel to my past. I feel like it's 1999 again, and the part of me is being played by Puff. If I could go back and give myself some advice, it would be: "You are a talented attractive person. Stop trying to prove that, and just believe it yourself." Unfortunately, even if someone had told me that, (and they very well might have) I wouldn't have been able to take the advice. I was in love with the idea of being in love with someone. Since there was no one to love, I pouted and groused. I probably even recognized the problem at the time, but to pull oneself out of a self-pity/envy/jealousy stage is exceedingly difficult without plenty of social activity for distraction. I can only thank God I made it past that stage in my life.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Shhh!! The badgers will hear you...

I seem to have a preoccupation with badgers for filling the awkward spaces in conversations. I fix computers for a living, and people are always asking you about random crap when you're in the middle of fixing it. "What's that?" "Could it be from this?" "Have you tried clicking on it?" "Why isn't it working?" I have taken to responding to questions like this with something along the lines of "I blame badgers." Or if there is a pregnant pause in a conversation I might say "The badgers are coming!" If someone is explaining something to me, and I don't have anything to say I'll ask "Well, that's all fine, but what about the badgers?" I've never seen a badger in real life, but whenever I see them on TV, they look grumpy.