Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Half of a whole

Puff has been having the time of his life down in Lakeview, Oregon. If you check out his blog you know that by "time of his life" I mean it is a time in his life. Not a particularly exciting one either. It's interesting to me how much it reminds me of the year I spent living in Renton, Washington in 1999-2000. I had no friends, lived by myself in a studio apartment, barely had money to eat, and was very lovesick the entire time. I just wanted a girlfriend sooo bad. I was very jealous of people that had relationships (especially Puff). It seemed so natural for them to be together and share fun and kiss and be happy. I felt like I was being denied some magical divine fruit while people around me indulged themselves. I was always hiding a burning jealousy of other people. In a period of months everything changed for me. I am now engaged to Jenn, and I am rarely jealous of anyone. I have a contentment that everything will be ok. It's very strange for me to be opposite a parallel to my past. I feel like it's 1999 again, and the part of me is being played by Puff. If I could go back and give myself some advice, it would be: "You are a talented attractive person. Stop trying to prove that, and just believe it yourself." Unfortunately, even if someone had told me that, (and they very well might have) I wouldn't have been able to take the advice. I was in love with the idea of being in love with someone. Since there was no one to love, I pouted and groused. I probably even recognized the problem at the time, but to pull oneself out of a self-pity/envy/jealousy stage is exceedingly difficult without plenty of social activity for distraction. I can only thank God I made it past that stage in my life.